I can't hear the word "spank" without it leaving a sense of dread - albeit somewhat dimmed - in the pit of my stomach. You see, my parents used the Pearl's book, To Train Up A Child, as a basic guide in punishing my siblings and I. I won't even pretend that they were anywhere near as extreme as some parents when it comes to punishing, but I remember really hating the rod all the same. With good reason did I hate it. Spanking, especially with the instrument my parents used, is painful. And not only is it painful, but it can also be counterproductive and emotionally damaging.
The premise of spanking for most Christian, home school parents is that it drives evil from the child, or something like that. They think that not spanking is equivalent to spoiling. If that were true, then they would be right in their punishment. But it's not true and they're often wrong in the way they punish.
The whole point of spanking is to make sure the child won't sin next time, or transgress against what the parent has decided is wrong. Spanking is emotional conditioning that trains children to do what their parents wish. But what happened when I was spanked was this: I developed a fear and hatred of the rod and to some degree a fear and hatred of my parents. So strong was this emotion that I was willing to lie and hide and fight back when they attempted to spank me. At one point, I think I tried to destroy the rod, which at the time was an evil instrument given to mom as a present from a fellow homeschooling mother.
I can't speak for everyone, but my experience tells me that being spanked as often as I got spanked doesn't really work. Often, the things I was being punished for paled in comparison to what I did to escape punishment. And I was also living in constant fear that I might be punished.
After being going through all that, I had decided that I wanted to raise my children the same way. It was so ingrained in my head that I had to parent the same way or I would be doing it wrong. After one session of punishment, my mom threw me in a room and made me listen to a story about Michael Pearl and his experience spanking children. I was under ten, so I naturally believed everything that he said. Between being punished by my parents and being inundated with the Pearl's child training material, I was thoroughly convinced that this was right. I even thought it was supported with scripture because they quoted the Bible so often. Verses that say things like "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him" and then another that says something to the effect that it's better to bruise a child than let him grow up to be spoiled and go to hell were used for support.
But now I think those verses and verses like them are misinterpreted. The rod of correction can easily be looked at as a metaphor for measures taken to correct a child. It may assume the form of spanking at times, but I think it generally refers the methods parents use to correct a child. Under girding this verse, the commandment to love one another as Christ has loved us must be looked at instead of simply focusing on a verse here and there that indicates parents need to spank their children. The whole point of spanking children is to do it out of love. Love is kind. Spanking constantly is not.
One might argue that spanking as a corrective measure is done out of love. At times, this may be true. But I think in general that people focus too much on the "I have to spank my kid or he's going to hell" mentality. They should really be focusing on the child's emotional needs. The goal is not to force everyone through the same mold of spanking but to raise up emotionally healthy and stable Christians.
Spanking doesn't work the same for every kid. Some will meekly submit; others will refuse to be corrected through that means. I think it's a good rule of thumb to stop spanking your child if you have to do it constantly. He isn't learning anything except how to be resentful. You have to find another means of punishment. I actually think that positive reinforcement is far better than spanking. For instance, say Bob has been in the habit of leaving his toys laying around and you're tired of it. You could threaten to spank him if he does it again or you could find a positive means to encourage him put his toys away, perhaps something like offering to take him to the park if he puts his toys away.
Some might argue that this is inconvenient and that it's so much easier to whip out a rod and spank him. That may be convenient now, but will it be later? Bob could live in the constant fear of being spanked and thus make sure he puts his toys away, or, when he's done playing with his toys, he could remember that something good happened when he did it before. It's kind of like training a dog. For a while, you have to constantly give positive reinforcement, but after a time you don't really have to do anything. Just whistle and the dog comes. It has learned to love you because it links you to good things. Isn't it better to do that with your kids?
In doing this, you should make sure your child knows he is loved. This means not withholding your love when they behave badly but simply rewarding them for doing what is right.
Now, I don't entirely object to spanking. The big thing in my family was the frequency of those spankings. I think it's only permissible to spank a child in extreme cases. I don't know what exactly those cases should be, but I don't think they should be minor infractions. Forgetting to put toys away should not be punished with a spanking. The spanking is to be used so sparingly that a child is like, "I'm never doing that again." It should be so infrequently that it doesn't mar every day life.
If a child is spanked to much, he also becomes desensitized to spanking. Spanking - instead of being looked at as a horrible thing that only happens very occasionally when a child has done something very wrong -simply becomes a part of life. Nothing changes this way. The child just learns to cope with it. And, of course, constant spanking can also have the effect it had on me.
If you must spank your child, then make sure they know exactly what it is that they're not supposed to do. And don't be fickle about this. If you don't want doing something and you spank them, you need to make sure they're making the connection. Just telling them "no" next time should be adequate. But under no circumstances should you spank a child repeatedly for the same offense. By repeatedly I do mean repeatedly, not just three or four times but a bunch of times. If you find yourself doing that, then you need to switch tactics.
People go on and on about parenting methods to the point where it has almost become something to undertake academically. The big thing about parenting is this: you need to love your child and make sure they know that by whatever means. If this is the case, then your child will probably want to obey you. End of problem. People just like making things complicated and painful.
The premise of spanking for most Christian, home school parents is that it drives evil from the child, or something like that. They think that not spanking is equivalent to spoiling. If that were true, then they would be right in their punishment. But it's not true and they're often wrong in the way they punish.
The whole point of spanking is to make sure the child won't sin next time, or transgress against what the parent has decided is wrong. Spanking is emotional conditioning that trains children to do what their parents wish. But what happened when I was spanked was this: I developed a fear and hatred of the rod and to some degree a fear and hatred of my parents. So strong was this emotion that I was willing to lie and hide and fight back when they attempted to spank me. At one point, I think I tried to destroy the rod, which at the time was an evil instrument given to mom as a present from a fellow homeschooling mother.
I can't speak for everyone, but my experience tells me that being spanked as often as I got spanked doesn't really work. Often, the things I was being punished for paled in comparison to what I did to escape punishment. And I was also living in constant fear that I might be punished.
After being going through all that, I had decided that I wanted to raise my children the same way. It was so ingrained in my head that I had to parent the same way or I would be doing it wrong. After one session of punishment, my mom threw me in a room and made me listen to a story about Michael Pearl and his experience spanking children. I was under ten, so I naturally believed everything that he said. Between being punished by my parents and being inundated with the Pearl's child training material, I was thoroughly convinced that this was right. I even thought it was supported with scripture because they quoted the Bible so often. Verses that say things like "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him" and then another that says something to the effect that it's better to bruise a child than let him grow up to be spoiled and go to hell were used for support.
But now I think those verses and verses like them are misinterpreted. The rod of correction can easily be looked at as a metaphor for measures taken to correct a child. It may assume the form of spanking at times, but I think it generally refers the methods parents use to correct a child. Under girding this verse, the commandment to love one another as Christ has loved us must be looked at instead of simply focusing on a verse here and there that indicates parents need to spank their children. The whole point of spanking children is to do it out of love. Love is kind. Spanking constantly is not.
One might argue that spanking as a corrective measure is done out of love. At times, this may be true. But I think in general that people focus too much on the "I have to spank my kid or he's going to hell" mentality. They should really be focusing on the child's emotional needs. The goal is not to force everyone through the same mold of spanking but to raise up emotionally healthy and stable Christians.
Spanking doesn't work the same for every kid. Some will meekly submit; others will refuse to be corrected through that means. I think it's a good rule of thumb to stop spanking your child if you have to do it constantly. He isn't learning anything except how to be resentful. You have to find another means of punishment. I actually think that positive reinforcement is far better than spanking. For instance, say Bob has been in the habit of leaving his toys laying around and you're tired of it. You could threaten to spank him if he does it again or you could find a positive means to encourage him put his toys away, perhaps something like offering to take him to the park if he puts his toys away.
Some might argue that this is inconvenient and that it's so much easier to whip out a rod and spank him. That may be convenient now, but will it be later? Bob could live in the constant fear of being spanked and thus make sure he puts his toys away, or, when he's done playing with his toys, he could remember that something good happened when he did it before. It's kind of like training a dog. For a while, you have to constantly give positive reinforcement, but after a time you don't really have to do anything. Just whistle and the dog comes. It has learned to love you because it links you to good things. Isn't it better to do that with your kids?
In doing this, you should make sure your child knows he is loved. This means not withholding your love when they behave badly but simply rewarding them for doing what is right.
Now, I don't entirely object to spanking. The big thing in my family was the frequency of those spankings. I think it's only permissible to spank a child in extreme cases. I don't know what exactly those cases should be, but I don't think they should be minor infractions. Forgetting to put toys away should not be punished with a spanking. The spanking is to be used so sparingly that a child is like, "I'm never doing that again." It should be so infrequently that it doesn't mar every day life.
If a child is spanked to much, he also becomes desensitized to spanking. Spanking - instead of being looked at as a horrible thing that only happens very occasionally when a child has done something very wrong -simply becomes a part of life. Nothing changes this way. The child just learns to cope with it. And, of course, constant spanking can also have the effect it had on me.
If you must spank your child, then make sure they know exactly what it is that they're not supposed to do. And don't be fickle about this. If you don't want doing something and you spank them, you need to make sure they're making the connection. Just telling them "no" next time should be adequate. But under no circumstances should you spank a child repeatedly for the same offense. By repeatedly I do mean repeatedly, not just three or four times but a bunch of times. If you find yourself doing that, then you need to switch tactics.
People go on and on about parenting methods to the point where it has almost become something to undertake academically. The big thing about parenting is this: you need to love your child and make sure they know that by whatever means. If this is the case, then your child will probably want to obey you. End of problem. People just like making things complicated and painful.
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